Beware of me.
CW: Suicidal, created a fake NOT VISIBLE account to help himself to let go and move on, attempts to kill himself in fear and out of BEING stalked in real life, has no idea how to talk to people like not fucked up person, anger issues that make do fucked up things, death threats only towards people who remind of HIM.
Yes, I’ve being told all of this and I won’t deny it. Some of the things that were told about me are truth, but only some. So let me get this little bit clealer, because in THAT situation, both sides are guilty.
And I would have liked to start from the “stalking”. I’m sorry if it’s going to sound rude, but do you honestly think I didn’t had other friends here? Maybe I fuck up at talking, maybe I am suicidal, maybe i am fucked up and have broken mental health, but even like this I STILL have few friends here, which ALREADY crosses the “stalking”
Manipulation. Maybe the way how I was talking could be seen as manipulation, but there is a small difference and this difference is the fact that I FROM THE START said that I fuck up at talking. And nobody, NOBODY even said a WORD that “Hey, the way you are talking is not normal, try to talk differently, because this creeps me out” or “Hey, let’s not bring this up when we are talking” or “How about I tell you what to say to not make it look like you are manipulating?” Was it so hard? Or you were afraid to hurt me by saying it? If so, I feel deeply sorry because I was saying A LOT of times that saying shit to me and about me is a COMMON thing to say. But if the way I was talking was seen as manipulation in your eyes, I am deeply sorry, because it was the LAST thing I was doing.
Death threats… Yes. This is truth. I sent them. I don’t deny it. But the is small BUT, I do NOT sent them without a reason. “And what’s the reason?” you going to ask. Believe it or not but one of the reasons was the fact how our “friendship” was coming from start to end and the second, because after the block, I started to feel spied on. This sounds stupid but only think HOW blocking a person works. When SOMEONE blocks you, you can’t see persons blog or write to him, but when YOU block a person, you CAN. Get what I mean? This fact made me feel terrified, because I’ve BEEN stalked in REAL LIFE and this fact made me remember these times AND made me act like this. And also that ask with “Im glad that i found your blog” was also sent by me and the art was drawn MONTHS BEFORE that day and posted BEFORE the death threats.
That fake account. I already wrote that I created it ONLY because I wanted to HELP myself to FINALLY let go and move on. You can believe it or not, but it WAS helping. I was “cutting the ties” slowly and making myself understand that this is NORMAL, that people become friends and cut the ties. The arts and whole “stealing” were only to help it happen faster. And also, If I wanted to create that au, I would have created it already, but I didn’t, did I? No, I did not. I had no idea that someone found it and thought that I am an “identity stealth”. Honestly to god, I have more IMPORTANT shit to deal with than trying to replace someone.
If YOU are reading this or if some of your friends are, then i will repeat, I was NOT trying to replace you, it was the LAST thing that could have possibly came to my mind.
The whole “might think about the worst possible scenario” and “trying to know everything” is sorry for saying, but complete bullshit. I’ve been having a LOT of shit going on and I was GENUALLY afraid that something could have been going on with you. If it was seen like I am trying to control you or something like that, then I am genuinely sorry that you thought like this. And if this indeed was truth and you TRULLY thought like that, then why didn’t you just wrote something like, “hey I appreciate that you ask it, but please stop, I don’t like to talk about feelings and if you are still worried, then just wait, I might just be busy” And NOTHING more! If you only sent this to me, I WOULD have understood AND stopped! Because I DID stopped when I was asked about something, all you had to do is just to say it like THIS, simple and short. I don’t need an essay with lots of water, I need simple “I’m not comfortable” and nothing else.
As to why I was acting like that, the reason is the fact that he was not the only one who was feeling trapped in that “friendship”. There were a lot, A, LOT of times when I was angry, when i was disappointed and feeling betrayed but every time I was trying to find excuses. The most stupid and irrational but still excuses. Then why didn’t I cut the ties first? Because I had no idea that he was feeling the same. Because I didn’t know how to cut them properly. Because he NEVER told me to act different and now that I think about all that, why didn’t you cut the ties differently?
The moment when he choose to do it, was the moment when I was going through a lot and of course it made me take it too personally and see not as “I just don’t want to talk to you, it makes me feel uncomfortable and trapped” but as “you are the only one responsible for this, it would have been better off if you were gone” and ONLY if he “cut the ties” differently, none of this would have happened. How? For example like this:
“Hey look, I want to cut ties with you, but this doesn’t mean that we stop being friends, we just not going to talk anymore, it makes me feel exhausted”
THIS would have been ENOUGH. There is NO things that can be possibly taken too personally, it’s simple and short. Maybe not in his style, but I repeat, I do NOT need an essay, I need short answer and NOTHING more.
Now as to “this is how I care”. Yes. Yes this is the ONLY way I know how to care. Because ALL MY LIFE my dear PARENTS were caring for me like THIS. The only “care” I knew is that it hurts and makes you feel miserable and I had NO idea that this is wrong. Even my roommates were rarely telling me that when you care, you care and not hurt. But I think even if they would have been telling me this more often I still wouldn’t have gotten it correctly.
About suicide baiting. You seriously think that suicide is a joke? It’s not a god damn joke at all and I exactly know what the fuck means being suicidal. If you said about the moment when I was in hospital, then let me get this clear. That week has been PAIN to me, I’ve been followed by strange people and was having A LOT of phone calls and one of them caused me to break and try to end my life. I was NOT planning for it to happen, I was NOT planning to die but hearing HIS voice again made me lose it. But if you mean “other times” there were not so many of them and most of the times I was dealing with this shit all by myself.
This might have made you see me as if I am an attention attractor but honestly to Jesus if he exists, this is NOT kind of attention people want. You really think I was trying to gain attention by being suicidal? If so, then fine, think whatever you want, I’m not going to change your mind.
And honestly to my brain, you REALLY thought that I was trying to become friends again??? If so, then I feel deeply sorry for you. This is the LAST thing that was in my humongous list. Like i already said, you were not the only one who felt trapped in that “friendship” There were LOTS of times when I was feeling out of place and despite all this you think that I would have actually WANTED to return to being “friends”??? NEVER.
I deeply regret the day when we first became “friends” and started to talk. If we didn’t start to talk in a chat way and not in ask/answer way, none of this would have EVER happened. And now that I think about this, if that day I asked you about permission and then added that I do NOT need anything in return, then it would have been less of a head pain.
Also about “fake accounts to boost my arts”. Yes, I did it. I don’t deny it. I created 30 fake accounts. But there is one but. I already gave them to other people almost priceless. Now they belong to them and they can do EVERYTHING they want with them with one small price to pay. They just need to like my posts and nothing more. So this is crossed too.
Now to the last thing. Told you this to people or not, would it change anything? I don’t think so. If you didn’t notice, I am NOT the person who interacts with people first. The only things I can do is ask the permition. Nothing else. You really think that I am going to go to people and start to actually TALK to them? No. And the same goes about you. You saw me first. You followed me first. And you showed me that people can talk like humans and not robots. Am I blaming you? No. I’m just saying everything how it is.
I’m not denying the fact that I did all of this shit and I don’t think that you going to deny your part in it too. When people are fighting both of them are responsible for it and both are right and wrong. Both me and you are guilty and no matter how much you are an “innocent” person that got attacked, we both know that this is truth.
Your side of story, the side of a victim, is only a PART of whole picture. This is why I’m writing all of this. I WANT to clear this up. I want people to see the situation from the eyes of attacker. Because even murder has his reasons to kill. Reasons might sound stupid and irrational but they are still reasons.
And these are my reasons. Now you all see the WHOLE picture of what and why happened.
And now that I am done with you Max, I would have liked to say some things to Mint.
Mint, if you are going to see this, or if someone going to tell this to you, I feel deepely sorry for making you fear me, for making you fear saying something wrong to me. I know you won’t believe it, but this is truth. Out of all people I’ve actually been talking to longer than a day, you are the one I will never hurt. You was never making me feel betrayed or unwanted. Yes some shitty things were happening and we were making each other feel worse but in the end and even now I hold no negativity. The amount of good things and talks we were having is a lot more than bad. The way how you cut the ties did not made me see it as a bad thing. The way how you wrote it made me realize that it was indeed a bad idea and that you were scared to cut them and I don’t blame you for this. I also don’t blame you for blocking me, I understand the reason why you did it. I genuinely feel sorry that you saw this side of me, but I can’t change it no matter how much I want it. As you asked me, I’m not going to draw anything connected to you. I’m not going to do anything. I am droping it and moving on, just like you said.
The only thing that surprised me, is the fact that even after you knew about all of this, you still don’t hate me. This doesn’t make sense to me. I fucked up really badly and yet you still genuinely want me to get help and be fixed.
And if you going to read this, know, I am still trying to find at least online therapist, I’ve been trying for month already but I already told you the reason why I don’t really believe that this going to work at all. But I will try. And maybe one day I am going to be fixed.
Now to the final reason as to why I’m writing all of this. I want to put all the dots on E to stop thinking about this. What happened, already happened. We can’t change the past. I do feel regret for my actions. I would have wanted to change it and I would have if it was possible. Am I going to miss talking to Max? No. Am I going to miss talking to Mint? Yes. But I also understand that this is in the past. It was fun. But there is no way to return it.
Now I am done. Am I going to return to this topic again? No. I am not going to. If people not going to force me, I won’t. The only this kind of post I might do going to be about my “therapy progress”.
Now this is it. I am done with this and not going to return to this topic. But now. You all see MY reasons on to why I did it.
The topic is closed.









